Yale Rescinds Diplomas Awarded to Bush, Lieberman

Across the nation this week, caps and gowns are on parade, “Pomp and Circumstance” is being played in seemingly endless loops, and mortarboard tassels are being transferred from left to right en masse upon command. Graduation season is upon us. Yet while college seniors and honorary degree candidates around the nation step forward to receive their diplomas, Yale University has taken the unusual step of subtracting from, rather than adding to, its list of illustrious graduates. This move is all the more noteworthy in that the recently de-degreed are a sitting president and a long-serving Senator of the state where Yale is located.

Yale University President Richard Levin announced on Tuesday afternoon that both George W. Bush and Joe Lieberman had been stricken from the roles of Yale College graduates. Because a bachelor’s degree is a requirement for admission to Yale Law School, Lieberman has also been stripped of his diploma from that institution. Asked for an explanation for this unusual action, Mr. Levin cited Yale University trustees’ unanimous opinion that the two men’s actions in recent years “reflected levels of intelligence vastly inferior to what we expect in Yale applicants, let alone graduates.”

President Bush was more specifically faulted for his consistent inability to form sentences that adhere to the rules of standard English, his total mismanagement of the Presidency, blind commitment to a calamitous policy in Iraq, and years of evading the staggering scientific evidence in favor of global warming.

Above: George Bush at Yale, a dim bulb even then.

The move may have come as a shock to the public at large, but many of Mr. Bush’s college classmates see the President’s loss of degree as a form of retroactive justice.

“George was never the brightest bulb in the chandelier,” a former fraternity brother of the president recalled. “In fact, you know those ‘How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? …. How many Yale students does it take to screw in a light bulb?’ jokes? Well, if one of the Yale students is George Bush, it would definitely require at least one more. And that’s not a joke. I speak with the experience of one who had to help him change many a light bulb back in the day. I actually feel like my Yale degree means something now that I know he doesn’t have one.”

Other Bush classmates have offered further evidence of what one called the President's "sub-human intellect." Many recall seeing the President engage in such acts as eating arts and crafts paste for breakfast, repeatedly sticking his tongue into electric sockets, and inserting tens of jelly beans up his nostrils.

Above: Two ex-Yalies

Senator Lieberman, for his part, cemented his place on Yale’s roll of dishonor only recently. Though University officials had long viewed him as an obnoxious dullard, they had been prepared to tolerate the Senator’s Yale affiliation until his parroting of Mr. Bush reached the point of “criminal inanity."

“Senator Lieberman’s knee-jerk jingoism and whole-hearted support of the so-called ‘war on terror’ nearly cost him his Senate seat in the 2006 election,” Mr. Levin noted. “I’m sorry that they did not do so. But they have now cost him his status as a college graduate. I would gladly bump him back to elementary school if it was in my power to do so.”

Mr. Lieberman’s fate was sealed, according to Mr. Levin, by recent remarks in support of President Bush’s address to the Israeli Knesset on the occasion of the Jewish state’s 60th anniversary. Mr. Bush used that opportunity to issue a thinly-veiled criticism of Senator Barack Obama, the leading Democratic candidate for the White House, for his willingness to consider entering into direct diplomatic dialogues with the leaders of pariah states like Iran and North Korea.

“As Nazi tanks crossed into Poland in 1939, an American senator declared: ‘Lord, if I could only have talked to Hitler, all this might have been avoided.’ We have an obligation to call this what it is,” President Bush proclaimed. “[T]he false comfort of appeasement, which has been repeatedly discredited by history.” (LAT)

Despite protests from his former comrades in the Democratic Party, Senator Lieberman, now an Independent and vigorous supporter of Republican presidential hopeful John McCain, was quick to signal his agreement with Mr. Bush. “The President,” Mr. Lieberman noted in a public statement, “got it exactly right.” (LAT)

That comment was the nail in the coffin of Mr. Lieberman’s Yale degree, Mr. Levin noted. “I’ve looked back at some of the President’s history class term papers and can say with confidence that he couldn’t even tell you what century World War II was fought in. This is not a man who is qualified to give history lessons, much less offer counsel on the ways of diplomacy.”

Bush Unveils Plan for Energy Independence

On the eve of his departure for the Middle East on a final regional tour and destined-to-be-fruitless peace mission, President Bush also announced an equally pointless domestic initiative. As fuel prices continue to climb at the pump, the Bush Administration has settled on a novel – and wholly irrelevant – line of attack on the country’s dependence on imported oil. The plan centers not on changing American driving habits, stiffening fuel economy standards for auto manufacturers, or increasing domestic oil production. Rather, the new policy aims to curb America’s use of petroleum jelly.

The American Household Lubricants Association, an industry trade group sometimes referred to as “Big Jelly,” estimates that the average American purchases five pounds of Vaseline or similar products in his or her lifetime. Supporters of the President’s new plan are quick to note, however, that this rate of consumption drastically overstates actual use. Administration officials have stated that they know of no individual (or even family) that has ever used a jar of petroleum jelly in its entirety. It is widely estimated that more than 80% of all petroleum jelly purchased ends up sitting unused in the country’s medicine cabinets until discarded and subsequently replaced with a new jar of the ubiquitous product.

The problem: dependence on Middle Eastern oil.

Within hours of its announcement, the policy had already been roundly criticized as ineffectual. “What do you people want from me?" President Bush asked in response. "It seems like I get it both coming and going. First, I tell Americans to support the war on terror through increased shopping and personal consumption. And of course I get blasted for not asking them to make real sacrifices for the good of the country. And now I get criticized when I do ask them to make personal sacrifices. Drier lips and more diaper rash are the costs that some Americans are going to have to pay to achieve greater national security for the nation [sic]. And what the hell are the rest of you using this stuff for anyway?”

Industry insiders have defended their product by publicizing the many potential uses of petroleum jelly, from promoting the disappearance of scars to removing corrosion from car batteries.

The alleged solution: a reduction in the use of Vaseline and similar products.

“There is simply no reason that the US has to import its petroleum jelly products," said Mr. Bush. "Petroleum jelly independence is within our grasp. And I intend to make this a priority for the remainder of my administration. I intend to lead by example on this issue. To that end and in my capacity as Commander in Chief, I have ordered that the burn units of our military and veterans hospitals immediately cease their use of petroleum jelly to ease the suffering of our brave warriors. Having fought terrorism abroad, our valiant soldiers should not be made to support the very petroleum suppliers that provide aid and comfort to the evil doers.”

News in Brief: Clinton Campaign Faces New Obstacles

In a statement on Monday afternoon, New York Senator and Democratic Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton declared her campaign financially, morally, and intellectually bankrupt. The Senator nevertheless vowed to soldier on.

Elsewhere on the campaign trail, Senator Clinton was caught attempting to slash the tires of a campaign bus belonging to Democratic party rival Barack Obama. Senator Clinton will be forced to appear in an Indiana court on criminal mischief charges.

Cheney Plans Move to Retirement Community, Eyes Presidency

Vice-President Dick Cheney has circulated at the highest levels of American political power for more than three decades, gaining a reputation as a skilled bureaucratic infighter on the way to becoming the most powerful executive branch number two in the history of the office. An Assistant then full Chief of Staff in the Ford White House, Mr. Cheney spent most of the 1980’s as a Congressman from Wyoming before going on to serve as Secretary of Defense in the administration of George H.W. Bush. Initially placed in charge of vetting potential running mates for George W. Bush in 2000, Mr. Cheney gained the younger Mr. Bush’s confidence in the course of the selection process and emerged as the then-Texas Governor’s preferred candidate. Under a chief executive who signaled early on his willingness to delegate significant authority to subordinates, Mr. Cheney stepped into what many have characterized as a kind of American premiership.

Though he may have considered running for the White House at an earlier stage of his career, the Vice-President has in recent years consistently denied harboring any ambitions to stand for the Oval Office. If personal inclination had not already induced Mr. Cheney to concede his earlier aspirations, reality likely would have done so. The Vice-President, like Mr. Bush, has incredibly low public approval ratings, is closely associated with the administration’s unpopular policies in Iraq and the “war on terror” more generally, and has suffered a number of heart attacks. Even some staunch Republicans have at times expressed a certain unease with having such a man “a heartbeat away from the presidency,” let alone in the presidency itself. Given the current circumstances, the White House seems fully out of Mr. Cheney’s reach and his national political career appears to be in its final months.

Above: Soon-to-be retiree Dick Cheney

Mr. Cheney and his wife Lynne are now preparing to do what many of their generation have long since done: retire, downsize, and move to Florida. A vice-presidential spokesperson has confirmed that the Cheneys recently put down a deposit on a condo in the Boca Breeze Retirement Village of Boca Raton, Florida. Besides the pleasant climate and access to beaches, shopping, and golf, the Boca Breeze also holds another strong attraction for a political animal like Mr. Cheney: a soon-to-be-open presidential seat on the Village’s governing council. Mr. Cheney may yet wield ultimate executive power, albeit over a smaller bit of real estate.

The Vice-President has not yet officially declared his candidacy, but his actions clearly indicate that his hat is in the ring. Former Chief of Staff Lewis “Scooter” Libby – a close confidant sometimes called “Dick Cheney’s Dick Cheney” for his loyalty and reputation as a Machiavellian political operator – has been dispatched to Boca Raton to begin laying the groundwork for the Vice-President’s campaign.

Another Cheney aide, who wished to remain anonymous, has indicated that preparations for taking the Boca Breeze presidency are well underway. “Scooter is in place to direct the troops, the campaign posters have been ordered, and a fleet of campaign golf carts is charging its batteries as we speak.”

Cheney has also gotten prominent surrogates to swing through the Village to speak on his behalf. President Bush himself, accompanied by Afghan President Hamid Karzai, recently played a round of golf in the neighborhood and then dropped in at the Village Recreation Center to call a game of bingo. Mr. Bush took advantage of his control of the microphone in order to talk up his man.

“Ok, folks. We’ve got, let’s see…i-14: that’s ‘i,’ as in ‘Dick Cheney did not get us into I-raq,’ fourteen.”

“Next,” the President called,” we’ve got…b-2: as in ‘Dick Cheney be an excellent political number two.’ Anybody got bingo, yet?”

Above: Presidents Bush and Karzai aboard Golf Cart One
during a visit to Boca Breeze Retirement Village on behalf of Vice-President Dick Cheney.

Mr. Cheney has directly tested the political waters at the Boca Breeze during several thinly disguised campaign stops. His candidacy polls strongly in the key – indeed, only – demographic of old white people. His appeal may be attributable in part to this cohort’s experiences of the Cold War and World War II, which serve as powerful resonating boards for the good vs. evil theme of much of the Bush Administration’s rhetoric. He also has the advantage of high name recognition based on his rise to national prominence well before this electorate entered senility.

Indeed, rather than play down his association with the unpopular sitting president, Mr. Cheney has openly cast himself as a defense hawk and fiscal conservative in the Bush mould. “We are combating terrorism over there,” he said to a semi-comatose crowd in the Village dining room in reference to the ongoing military campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan, “in order to preserve your right to eat dinner at four o’clock at home. That’s what America is all about!”

Sources close to Mr. Cheney indicate that he is likely to run on a platform involving steep cuts in condo fees, combined with increased expenditure on Village security. While certain to appeal to a population living on fixed incomes and susceptible to fears of crime and encroachment by unwelcome ethnic minorities, this set of policies has been branded “fiscally irresponsible” by many economists.

The Vice-President, a strong believer in the theory of executive primacy, has spent much of the last eight years attempting to recover for the executive branch the powers that he and many fellow conservatives believe were lost to other branches of government in the wake of the Vietnam War and the Watergate scandal. He may not speak openly of his intentions during the campaign, but sources indicate that Mr. Cheney is weighing a radical revision of the Boca Breeze Retirement Village’s by-laws in line with this philosophy. The central provision of this so-called “nuclear option” would abolish the governing council in favor of a life dictatorship.

Obama Burns Former Minister at the Stake

In the apparent hope that actions will speak louder than words, Illinois Senator and Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama burned the Reverend Jeremiah Wright at the stake this morning in an effort to distance himself once and for all from the controversial statements of his former minister.

The Senator’s membership in the Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, where Wright until recently served as minister, has proven to be a political liability that the candidate cannot shed. Mr. Obama has repeatedly stated that he respects Dr. Wright but does not share the views that the Minister has espoused in sermons that many have condemned as racist and anti-American. Yet despite consistent disavowals to this effect, Senator Obama’s ties to Dr. Wright have continued to dog him on the campaign trail.

Above: Senator Barack Obama and his former
minister, Dr. Jeremiah Wright.

After initial efforts to play down his knowledge of Dr. Wright’s most inflammatory statements – including a sermon in which the Reverend called upon God to “damn” rather than “bless” the United States – Mr. Obama used his widely lauded address on race to offer his most detailed response to those calling for him to clarify his relationship to Reverend Wright.

Wright, the Senator stated on that occasion, “contains within him the contradictions – the good and the bad – of the community that he has served diligently for so many years.”

“I can no more disown him than I can disown the black community,” Mr. Obama continued. “I can no more disown him than I can disown my white grandmother – a woman who helped raise me, a woman who sacrificed again and again for me, a woman who loves me as much as she loves anything in this world, but a woman who once confessed her fear of black men who passed her by on the street, and who on more than one occasion has uttered racial or ethnic stereotypes that made me cringe.” (NPR)

This eloquent rebuttal initially seemed to have taken the wind out of the Wright story's sails, but Dr. Wright’s own continued presence in the public eye -- most recently as the keynote speaker at the NAACP’s annual Freedom Fund dinner -- has helped to keep the issue alive. The relationship between the church leader and the candidate remains a staple of what passes for informed political discussion and commentary on the Sunday morning talk shows.

Democratic rival Hillary Clinton has also stoked the controversy at times, suggesting that Senator Obama has not gone far enough in repudiating the views expressed by Dr. Wright, which she has implied amount to hate speech.

“You know, I spoke out against [racist remarks made by radio host] Don Imus, saying that hate speech was unacceptable in any setting, and I believe that,” Clinton said. “I just think you have to speak out against that. You certainly have to do that, if not explicitly, then implicitly by getting up and moving.” (PTR)

“He would not have been my pastor,” the New York Senator said of Jeremiah Wright. "You don't choose your family, but you choose what church you want to attend.” (PTR)

With no apparent end to the controversy in sight and with his campaign seeming to lose momentum in recent weeks, the Illinois Senator took decisive action this morning to bring the matter to a close. In the pre-dawn hours, Senator Obama led a shouting mob carrying pitchforks and flaming torches down the streets of southside Chicago to the door of Dr. Wright’s residence. Once there, the candidate stepped forward to call upon his former spiritual leader to “come forth from his lair” and “face the music.”

A sleepy Dr. Wright eventually emerged, whereupon he was seized by several campaign aides. The minister was then made fast to a telephone pole around the base of which the mob had piled gasoline-soaked sticks and newspapers. The candidate himself then stepped forward with a lit torch to set the pile ablaze.

Above: Burnings at the stake like the one depicted above were fairly
commonplace events in the Dark Ages, when religion played nearly as
prominent a role in public life as it does today.

“I apologize for having remained blind for so long to the moral danger that Jeremiah Wright posed to this nation,” a palefaced Senator Obama said at the post-auto da fe press conference, flicking some ash from the right cuff of his suit jacket. “I am now prepared to recognize that Jeremiah Wright was indeed the devil incarnate. Having seen the light, I have sought to do my moral duty by depriving Satan the use of this man as a vessel. I have also sought to do my public duty by – please, please, please – ridding this campaign of any further discussion of Reverend Wright, rest his soul. There, are you happy now?!? Now can I please get back to discussing my health care proposal?!?”

Hillary Clinton stated that she was glad to see her opponent finally rid the world of an agent of Satan. She nevertheless reiterated claims that the episode as a whole has placed in doubt Mr. Obama’s qualifications to assume the highest office in the land.

“As I have said before, I never would have chosen to join Dr. Wright’s church. But had I found myself in such a situation, it would not have taken me so long to do what my faith requires,” Senator Clinton remarked. “I would have burnt that sucker alive years ago. Without a second thought – that’s the kind of decisive leadership that America deserves.”

“What gives a member of a historically marginalized and oppressed minority the right to criticize this country?!? Need I remind all of you of my own early involvement in civil rights activism,” Senator Clinton asked. “I understand the nature of America’s racial divide, and you don’t hear me going around asking God to damn this great land!”

“Yes, sir,” Clinton continued, “make no mistake about it. I would have set him aflame long ago. And Bill, Chelsea, and I would have gathered around to roast marshmallows and sing ‘Onward, Christian Soldiers!’ and ‘The Star Spangled Banner.’ It would have been a scene straight out of a Norman Rockwell nightmare. That’s the American way! And that’s the kind of spiteful, mindless leadership that I promise the American people – provided, of course, that that’s what they want from me. I’m always happy to switch it up if necessary.”

“I am a woman of strong belief,” concluded the New York Senator. “And I believe strongly in telling the people whatever it is they want to hear.”

Bush Comments Cause Confusion, Diplomatic Tension

President Bush caused a minor diplomatic flap this afternoon when he confused Bolivia, a country in the Andean region of South America, with bulimia, a potentially fatal eating disorder.

Mr. Bush spoke with reporters returning to Washington with him from commencement ceremonies at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Much of the discussion concerned the President’s views of his legacy and achievements in foreign policy, with a particular emphasis on policy towards Latin America.

“We’ve had our problems with [Venezuelan President Hugo] Chavez, obviously,” the President said during a discussion of his administration’s relations with the growing number of left-leaning Latin American governments that have taken office during his two terms in the White House. “But I have had very good conversations with Lula [Da Silva], Cristina [Kirschner], Evo [Morales], and Rafael [Correa] in recent months,” said the President, referring to the chief executives of Brazil, Argentina, Bolivia, and Ecuador, respectively.

“I consider these guys to be good personal friends – and good friends of the United States. I mean heck, there’s a lot of good will towards the United States in that part of the world. That party that was in power for all these years in Paraguay, anyone know what they’re called? Don’t think too hard. We’re flying over it right now. That’s right, the Colorados – named in honor of our very own state.”

“Don’t get me wrong,” the President continued, “this great nation cannot just rest on its laurels. You know, we have to do what Jesus would have done – feed the hungry and heal the sick! That’s how we promote both our national interests and our humanitarian interests.”

It was at this point that the President’s comments began their swift descent into bizarreness. “Incidentally, Evo Morales will be in Washington next month. This is a man all Bulimics can respect as a fine leader. And I look forward to sitting down with him to discuss the problems of Bulimia and to see how we can help.”

In an unfortunate afterthought, the President continued, “We’re already looking into the possibility of increased food aid. I think it is mistake to withhold food from Bulimia just because it has a drug problem.” Aides later clarified that the latter comment was a reference to Bolivia’s significant production of coca leaf.

Above: Evo Morales, president of BOliVia,
addressing the UN General Assembly.

This is certainly not the first time that a prominent American politician has made a geographic slip-up. Republican Presidential nominee Senator John McCain recently caused a stir when he confused Iran and Iraq. (NYT) Mr. Bush himself is no stranger to such incidents, failing a map quiz as a first-time presidential candidate (NYT), inventing the term ‘Kosovarians’ to refer to citizens of a former region of Yugoslavia, and once insisting that it is Sweden – rather than Switzerland – that maintains a strict neutral stance and no standing army. (NYT) Bush is also widely suspected to have no idea of the difference between Austria and Australia.

“I’m just waiting for the day when he talks about Hitler’s seizure of Australia or refers to the Austrian outback,” said a communications consultant who has been called in to assist the White House in handling past public misstatements by Mr. Bush. “Those situations I have contingency plans for. But this one I never saw coming.”

White House reporters have grown accustomed to Mr. Bush’s sometimes tortured relationship with the English language. In this case, a journalist on the plane with the President provided him with an opportunity to correct his own error by posing a follow-up question naming President Morales’ native country.

“Bolivia!?? You mean, like, binging and….?” At this point, the president pretended to insert a finger down his throat, followed by a pantomime of copious vomiting. “Why are you bringing that up? No pun intended. Do you know something I don't? If Evo or any other world leader has bolivia, it is important that they seek medical attention at the earliest opportunity.”

“Couple of the boys on my college cheerleading squad had bolivia," Mr. Bush said, waxing sentimental. "It's really no laughing matter, though we certainly laughed about it at the time. Sure, like most of them, Evo could maybe stand to shed a few pounds – or 'kilos,' as those South Americans like to say. But I really don’t see why Evo's extra chub is relevant to my record of achievement in Latin America.”

“Come on,” the President continued, “you can’t expect me to solve every problem in the hemisphere! Evo’s weight, along with his dietary and bathroom habits, are what I would consider strictly private matters. Let’s stick to the subject at hand, which is Bulimia – with a ‘u’ and an ‘m.’ Jeez, someone get this guy an abacus -- you know, one of them map books.”

Above: A pamphlet on the risks of bulimia distributed by the State
Department along with its statement of apology to the Bolivian nation.

In the hours that followed the release of the President’s remarks, the Bolivian Ambassador in Washington lodged a written complaint with the White House, citing “gringo stupidity” and characterizing Mr. Bush’s comments as an “insult to national honor.” A State Department spokesman issued a clarification and a formal apology.

White House Green Lights Release of “Girls Gone Wild: Guantanamo”

“Standard Operating Procedure,” the critically acclaimed new film by Oscar winning documentarian Errol Morris, opens nationwide this weekend. Hailed by reviewers for its evenhandedness, the film follows Morris' own standard operating procedure -- last seen in 2003's "The Fog of War" -- of minutely dissecting his subject through extensive and penetrating interviews. This time, he turns the camera upon the mistreatment of prisoners held in US custody in Iraq’s Abu Ghraib prison and traces responsibility for these abuses to the upper echelons of the Bush administration.

The White House is countering with a mass media event of its own: the release of the latest installment in the popular spring break-themed “Girls Gone Wild” video series, filmed with Administration support at the Guantanamo Bay military base over the last month and a half. Previous videos in the series have used more stereotypical spring break locations in Florida, Mexico, and Jamaica as backdrops for the montaged footage of American female college students in various states of intoxication and undress that is the franchise’s trademark.

“Girls Gone Wild: Guantanamo” follows the standard format in an effort to depict Guantanamo Bay as a tropical paradise where the only laws violated are those concerning drinking age and indecent exposure. In recent years, this U.S. military base located on the tip of Cuba has become primarily associated with the detention of “unlawful combatants” captured in Afghanistan and elsewhere, who have been held held there in suspension of the rights of habeus corpus and -- like the prisoners of Abu Ghraib -- subjected to interrogation techniques widely characterized as torture. Over the last few weeks, spring breakers have been flown into the base at government expense to party among the chain-link enclosures housing terrorist suspects clad in orange uniforms.

Vice-President Dick Cheney and former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales join in the fun, making brief cameos as judges of a wet t-shirt contest. It is unclear whether the contest's coincidence with the midday call to prayer, which can be heard dimly in the background, was accidental or deliberate.

Above: Vice-President Dick Cheney announcing the
winner of the "Girls Gone Wild" wet t-shirt contest.

Amnesty International has filed suit in federal court on behalf of the detainees, arguing that non-voluntary involvement in the video and round the clock exposure to screaming coeds and their "Neanderthal male companions" constitute a new low in prisoner treatment.

Like its predecessors, “Girls Gone Wild: Guantanamo” will be sold for $19.95 through late-night TV infomercials and the internet.