langue de bois = wooden language, wooden tongue, tongue of wood

= french expression denoting a rigid, ideological, vapid manner of political speech.

Political Satire from the 2008 campaign trail and around the world.

all content by DS unless noted
links to corroborating news sources marked in blue

May 14, 2008

Bush Unveils Plan for Energy Independence

On the eve of his departure for the Middle East on a final regional tour and destined-to-be-fruitless peace mission, President Bush also announced an equally pointless domestic initiative. As fuel prices continue to climb at the pump, the Bush Administration has settled on a novel – and wholly irrelevant – line of attack on the country’s dependence on imported oil. The plan centers not on changing American driving habits, stiffening fuel economy standards for auto manufacturers, or increasing domestic oil production. Rather, the new policy aims to curb America’s use of petroleum jelly.

The American Household Lubricants Association, an industry trade group sometimes referred to as “Big Jelly,” estimates that the average American purchases five pounds of Vaseline or similar products in his or her lifetime. Supporters of the President’s new plan are quick to note, however, that this rate of consumption drastically overstates actual use. Administration officials have stated that they know of no individual (or even family) that has ever used a jar of petroleum jelly in its entirety. It is widely estimated that more than 80% of all petroleum jelly purchased ends up sitting unused in the country’s medicine cabinets until discarded and subsequently replaced with a new jar of the ubiquitous product.

The problem: dependence on Middle Eastern oil.

Within hours of its announcement, the policy had already been roundly criticized as ineffectual. “What do you people want from me?" President Bush asked in response. "It seems like I get it both coming and going. First, I tell Americans to support the war on terror through increased shopping and personal consumption. And of course I get blasted for not asking them to make real sacrifices for the good of the country. And now I get criticized when I do ask them to make personal sacrifices. Drier lips and more diaper rash are the costs that some Americans are going to have to pay to achieve greater national security for the nation [sic]. And what the hell are the rest of you using this stuff for anyway?”

Industry insiders have defended their product by publicizing the many potential uses of petroleum jelly, from promoting the disappearance of scars to removing corrosion from car batteries.

The alleged solution: a reduction in the use of Vaseline and similar products.

“There is simply no reason that the US has to import its petroleum jelly products," said Mr. Bush. "Petroleum jelly independence is within our grasp. And I intend to make this a priority for the remainder of my administration. I intend to lead by example on this issue. To that end and in my capacity as Commander in Chief, I have ordered that the burn units of our military and veterans hospitals immediately cease their use of petroleum jelly to ease the suffering of our brave warriors. Having fought terrorism abroad, our valiant soldiers should not be made to support the very petroleum suppliers that provide aid and comfort to the evil doers.”

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