Obama Burns Former Minister at the Stake

In the apparent hope that actions will speak louder than words, Illinois Senator and Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama burned the Reverend Jeremiah Wright at the stake this morning in an effort to distance himself once and for all from the controversial statements of his former minister.

The Senator’s membership in the Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, where Wright until recently served as minister, has proven to be a political liability that the candidate cannot shed. Mr. Obama has repeatedly stated that he respects Dr. Wright but does not share the views that the Minister has espoused in sermons that many have condemned as racist and anti-American. Yet despite consistent disavowals to this effect, Senator Obama’s ties to Dr. Wright have continued to dog him on the campaign trail.

Above: Senator Barack Obama and his former
minister, Dr. Jeremiah Wright.

After initial efforts to play down his knowledge of Dr. Wright’s most inflammatory statements – including a sermon in which the Reverend called upon God to “damn” rather than “bless” the United States – Mr. Obama used his widely lauded address on race to offer his most detailed response to those calling for him to clarify his relationship to Reverend Wright.

Wright, the Senator stated on that occasion, “contains within him the contradictions – the good and the bad – of the community that he has served diligently for so many years.”

“I can no more disown him than I can disown the black community,” Mr. Obama continued. “I can no more disown him than I can disown my white grandmother – a woman who helped raise me, a woman who sacrificed again and again for me, a woman who loves me as much as she loves anything in this world, but a woman who once confessed her fear of black men who passed her by on the street, and who on more than one occasion has uttered racial or ethnic stereotypes that made me cringe.” (NPR)

This eloquent rebuttal initially seemed to have taken the wind out of the Wright story's sails, but Dr. Wright’s own continued presence in the public eye -- most recently as the keynote speaker at the NAACP’s annual Freedom Fund dinner -- has helped to keep the issue alive. The relationship between the church leader and the candidate remains a staple of what passes for informed political discussion and commentary on the Sunday morning talk shows.

Democratic rival Hillary Clinton has also stoked the controversy at times, suggesting that Senator Obama has not gone far enough in repudiating the views expressed by Dr. Wright, which she has implied amount to hate speech.

“You know, I spoke out against [racist remarks made by radio host] Don Imus, saying that hate speech was unacceptable in any setting, and I believe that,” Clinton said. “I just think you have to speak out against that. You certainly have to do that, if not explicitly, then implicitly by getting up and moving.” (PTR)

“He would not have been my pastor,” the New York Senator said of Jeremiah Wright. "You don't choose your family, but you choose what church you want to attend.” (PTR)

With no apparent end to the controversy in sight and with his campaign seeming to lose momentum in recent weeks, the Illinois Senator took decisive action this morning to bring the matter to a close. In the pre-dawn hours, Senator Obama led a shouting mob carrying pitchforks and flaming torches down the streets of southside Chicago to the door of Dr. Wright’s residence. Once there, the candidate stepped forward to call upon his former spiritual leader to “come forth from his lair” and “face the music.”

A sleepy Dr. Wright eventually emerged, whereupon he was seized by several campaign aides. The minister was then made fast to a telephone pole around the base of which the mob had piled gasoline-soaked sticks and newspapers. The candidate himself then stepped forward with a lit torch to set the pile ablaze.

Above: Burnings at the stake like the one depicted above were fairly
commonplace events in the Dark Ages, when religion played nearly as
prominent a role in public life as it does today.

“I apologize for having remained blind for so long to the moral danger that Jeremiah Wright posed to this nation,” a palefaced Senator Obama said at the post-auto da fe press conference, flicking some ash from the right cuff of his suit jacket. “I am now prepared to recognize that Jeremiah Wright was indeed the devil incarnate. Having seen the light, I have sought to do my moral duty by depriving Satan the use of this man as a vessel. I have also sought to do my public duty by – please, please, please – ridding this campaign of any further discussion of Reverend Wright, rest his soul. There, are you happy now?!? Now can I please get back to discussing my health care proposal?!?”

Hillary Clinton stated that she was glad to see her opponent finally rid the world of an agent of Satan. She nevertheless reiterated claims that the episode as a whole has placed in doubt Mr. Obama’s qualifications to assume the highest office in the land.

“As I have said before, I never would have chosen to join Dr. Wright’s church. But had I found myself in such a situation, it would not have taken me so long to do what my faith requires,” Senator Clinton remarked. “I would have burnt that sucker alive years ago. Without a second thought – that’s the kind of decisive leadership that America deserves.”

“What gives a member of a historically marginalized and oppressed minority the right to criticize this country?!? Need I remind all of you of my own early involvement in civil rights activism,” Senator Clinton asked. “I understand the nature of America’s racial divide, and you don’t hear me going around asking God to damn this great land!”

“Yes, sir,” Clinton continued, “make no mistake about it. I would have set him aflame long ago. And Bill, Chelsea, and I would have gathered around to roast marshmallows and sing ‘Onward, Christian Soldiers!’ and ‘The Star Spangled Banner.’ It would have been a scene straight out of a Norman Rockwell nightmare. That’s the American way! And that’s the kind of spiteful, mindless leadership that I promise the American people – provided, of course, that that’s what they want from me. I’m always happy to switch it up if necessary.”

“I am a woman of strong belief,” concluded the New York Senator. “And I believe strongly in telling the people whatever it is they want to hear.”

Bush Comments Cause Confusion, Diplomatic Tension

President Bush caused a minor diplomatic flap this afternoon when he confused Bolivia, a country in the Andean region of South America, with bulimia, a potentially fatal eating disorder.

Mr. Bush spoke with reporters returning to Washington with him from commencement ceremonies at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Much of the discussion concerned the President’s views of his legacy and achievements in foreign policy, with a particular emphasis on policy towards Latin America.

“We’ve had our problems with [Venezuelan President Hugo] Chavez, obviously,” the President said during a discussion of his administration’s relations with the growing number of left-leaning Latin American governments that have taken office during his two terms in the White House. “But I have had very good conversations with Lula [Da Silva], Cristina [Kirschner], Evo [Morales], and Rafael [Correa] in recent months,” said the President, referring to the chief executives of Brazil, Argentina, Bolivia, and Ecuador, respectively.

“I consider these guys to be good personal friends – and good friends of the United States. I mean heck, there’s a lot of good will towards the United States in that part of the world. That party that was in power for all these years in Paraguay, anyone know what they’re called? Don’t think too hard. We’re flying over it right now. That’s right, the Colorados – named in honor of our very own state.”

“Don’t get me wrong,” the President continued, “this great nation cannot just rest on its laurels. You know, we have to do what Jesus would have done – feed the hungry and heal the sick! That’s how we promote both our national interests and our humanitarian interests.”

It was at this point that the President’s comments began their swift descent into bizarreness. “Incidentally, Evo Morales will be in Washington next month. This is a man all Bulimics can respect as a fine leader. And I look forward to sitting down with him to discuss the problems of Bulimia and to see how we can help.”

In an unfortunate afterthought, the President continued, “We’re already looking into the possibility of increased food aid. I think it is mistake to withhold food from Bulimia just because it has a drug problem.” Aides later clarified that the latter comment was a reference to Bolivia’s significant production of coca leaf.

Above: Evo Morales, president of BOliVia,
addressing the UN General Assembly.

This is certainly not the first time that a prominent American politician has made a geographic slip-up. Republican Presidential nominee Senator John McCain recently caused a stir when he confused Iran and Iraq. (NYT) Mr. Bush himself is no stranger to such incidents, failing a map quiz as a first-time presidential candidate (NYT), inventing the term ‘Kosovarians’ to refer to citizens of a former region of Yugoslavia, and once insisting that it is Sweden – rather than Switzerland – that maintains a strict neutral stance and no standing army. (NYT) Bush is also widely suspected to have no idea of the difference between Austria and Australia.

“I’m just waiting for the day when he talks about Hitler’s seizure of Australia or refers to the Austrian outback,” said a communications consultant who has been called in to assist the White House in handling past public misstatements by Mr. Bush. “Those situations I have contingency plans for. But this one I never saw coming.”

White House reporters have grown accustomed to Mr. Bush’s sometimes tortured relationship with the English language. In this case, a journalist on the plane with the President provided him with an opportunity to correct his own error by posing a follow-up question naming President Morales’ native country.

“Bolivia!?? You mean, like, binging and….?” At this point, the president pretended to insert a finger down his throat, followed by a pantomime of copious vomiting. “Why are you bringing that up? No pun intended. Do you know something I don't? If Evo or any other world leader has bolivia, it is important that they seek medical attention at the earliest opportunity.”

“Couple of the boys on my college cheerleading squad had bolivia," Mr. Bush said, waxing sentimental. "It's really no laughing matter, though we certainly laughed about it at the time. Sure, like most of them, Evo could maybe stand to shed a few pounds – or 'kilos,' as those South Americans like to say. But I really don’t see why Evo's extra chub is relevant to my record of achievement in Latin America.”

“Come on,” the President continued, “you can’t expect me to solve every problem in the hemisphere! Evo’s weight, along with his dietary and bathroom habits, are what I would consider strictly private matters. Let’s stick to the subject at hand, which is Bulimia – with a ‘u’ and an ‘m.’ Jeez, someone get this guy an abacus -- you know, one of them map books.”

Above: A pamphlet on the risks of bulimia distributed by the State
Department along with its statement of apology to the Bolivian nation.

In the hours that followed the release of the President’s remarks, the Bolivian Ambassador in Washington lodged a written complaint with the White House, citing “gringo stupidity” and characterizing Mr. Bush’s comments as an “insult to national honor.” A State Department spokesman issued a clarification and a formal apology.

White House Green Lights Release of “Girls Gone Wild: Guantanamo”

“Standard Operating Procedure,” the critically acclaimed new film by Oscar winning documentarian Errol Morris, opens nationwide this weekend. Hailed by reviewers for its evenhandedness, the film follows Morris' own standard operating procedure -- last seen in 2003's "The Fog of War" -- of minutely dissecting his subject through extensive and penetrating interviews. This time, he turns the camera upon the mistreatment of prisoners held in US custody in Iraq’s Abu Ghraib prison and traces responsibility for these abuses to the upper echelons of the Bush administration.

The White House is countering with a mass media event of its own: the release of the latest installment in the popular spring break-themed “Girls Gone Wild” video series, filmed with Administration support at the Guantanamo Bay military base over the last month and a half. Previous videos in the series have used more stereotypical spring break locations in Florida, Mexico, and Jamaica as backdrops for the montaged footage of American female college students in various states of intoxication and undress that is the franchise’s trademark.

“Girls Gone Wild: Guantanamo” follows the standard format in an effort to depict Guantanamo Bay as a tropical paradise where the only laws violated are those concerning drinking age and indecent exposure. In recent years, this U.S. military base located on the tip of Cuba has become primarily associated with the detention of “unlawful combatants” captured in Afghanistan and elsewhere, who have been held held there in suspension of the rights of habeus corpus and -- like the prisoners of Abu Ghraib -- subjected to interrogation techniques widely characterized as torture. Over the last few weeks, spring breakers have been flown into the base at government expense to party among the chain-link enclosures housing terrorist suspects clad in orange uniforms.

Vice-President Dick Cheney and former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales join in the fun, making brief cameos as judges of a wet t-shirt contest. It is unclear whether the contest's coincidence with the midday call to prayer, which can be heard dimly in the background, was accidental or deliberate.

Above: Vice-President Dick Cheney announcing the
winner of the "Girls Gone Wild" wet t-shirt contest.

Amnesty International has filed suit in federal court on behalf of the detainees, arguing that non-voluntary involvement in the video and round the clock exposure to screaming coeds and their "Neanderthal male companions" constitute a new low in prisoner treatment.

Like its predecessors, “Girls Gone Wild: Guantanamo” will be sold for $19.95 through late-night TV infomercials and the internet.

On Eve of Pennsylvania Primary, Obama Launches Sneak Attack

For months on the campaign trail, particularly since achieving frontrunner status, Barack Obama has repeatedly faced a dilemma of his own making. On the one hand, much of his popularity stems from his carefully cultivated image as a uniter rather than a divider, as the standard bearer of a new more positive brand of politics. On the other hand, maintaining this image has at times complicated the task of winning office, as it has hamstrung Mr. Obama in countering the attacks of his opponents.

In the past, the Senator has generally chosen to take his licks in the short term in order to protect his above-the-fray reputation for the long haul. His lead in the delegate count and his continued record-breaking success in fundraising appear to validate that strategic choice. Even in Pennsylvania, where for weeks he has been soundly beaten about the head with statements suggesting condescension towards this state’s blue-collar electorate, he has still managed to close a once yawning gap in the polls to come within striking distance of opponent Hillary Clinton. Ms. Clinton is expected to pull out a win here on Tuesday, denying Mr. Obama the knock-out blow that he needs to bring the Democratic nomination contest to a conclusion. But there are signs that the Illinois Senator may now be prepared to take the fight to his opponent – and even to fight a bit more dirty – if that is the price of victory.

“There’s been a lot of discussion over the last several days about how this campaign gets so negative, how we get distracted, how we exploit divisions,” Mr. Obama told a crowd of Pennsylvania voters. “Look, our campaign’s not perfect. There’ve been times where, you know, if you get elbowed enough, eventually you start elbowing back.” (NYT)

The centerpiece of Senator Obama’s new tactical approach is a kind of rumor campaign regarding, of all things, Senator Clinton’s likely choice of running-mate if she succeeds in clinching the nomination. The rumor mill serves to further accentuate what Mr. Obama has long publicly claimed is Ms. Clinton’s Achilles heel: an impaired sense of judgment best illustrated by her vote in favor of the Senate Resolution authorizing the presidential use of force against Iraq.

To drive this point home, the Obama campaign has begun to circulate gossip and to plant disinformation so damaging that it will almost certainly sink Senator Clinton’s run for the White House if it takes hold in the public consciousness. To preserve his image, Mr. Obama is publicly distancing himself from the gossiping, leaving the dirty work to surrogates. Recent days have also seen a proliferation of internet bulletin board postings consistent with the Senator's line of attack. The provenance of these messages is unclear, but they are widely believed to originate from within the Obama campaign machine.

Above: The Obama campaign is pushing to characterize
Senator Hillary Clinton as irrational and incapable of
sound decision-making. This effort has at times
been aided by Clinton herself.

After this already very long campaign, developing a story capable of exercising such an impact cannot have been easy. If Clinton supporters have not found their candidate’s vote on the Iraq War to be a disqualifying indication of her decision-making ability after all these months of discussion, what could change their minds now? Whose name could epitomize flawed judgment to such a degree? What man or woman – besides the current occupant of the White House and his own Vice President – could prove so utterly disastrous when merely floated as a potential number two by a party rival?

Enter Vice Admiral James Stockdale, USN (ret.). A Vietnam War hero and POW, Stockdale was drafted onto the Reform Party ticket by Texas billionaire Ross Perot for the 1992 campaign and is widely blamed for the drop-off in support for the third party in the months leading up the election. His name has been synonymous with “political suicide” ever since his appearance in that year’s Vice-Presidential debate alongside then-Senator Al Gore and then-Vice President Dan Quayle, himself no slouch in the electoral deadweight department.

“I have nothing less than total admiration for Admiral Stockdale’s military service to this country and for his brave conduct as a prisoner of war and victim of torture,” said a political consultant affiliated with the Obama camp and believed to have been involved in crafting the rumor campaign. “But let’s face it, in political terms the man is an albatross.”

On the heels of a strong debate performance by Mr. Perot, Admiral Stockdale’s own debate appearance is now seen as a watershed moment in Perot’s already fairly quixotic quest for the presidency as a third party candidate.

“Who am I? Why am I here?” – the rhetorical questions with which the Admiral opened his introductory statements – proved to be a prophetic summary of the concerns that quickly grew in the minds of voters. The impression that Admiral Stockdale might be a less than ideal choice for the office whose occupant is famously said to be a heart beat away from the presidency, was reinforced by long pauses in his speech as he searched his pockets for his glasses or other objects. Stockdale also appeared at times to lose his train of thought mid-sentence. And intermittent difficulties with his hearing aid did little to help establish the image of a steady and vital leader.

Above: Vice Admiral James Stockdale, USN (ret.),
1992 -- and 2008? -- vice presidential candidate.

The Admiral was quick to admit his own lack of experience in the kind of political jousting called for by the debate. Facing a Democratic contender bursting with information and eager to show it, on the one hand, and an intellectually negligible but voluble sitting Vice-President, on the other, Stockdale’s greenness was evident. His elbows were not sufficiently sharp to consistently win him the floor and his natural style too laconic to drive his points home effectively. The Navy man had trouble getting a word in edgewise and frequently seemed to be attempting to intervene in the discussion in a normal conversational tone while his two opponents shouted over top of him. Even when he did have the floor his comments were often so brief that they quickly got lost in another round of verbal jostling between Gore and Quayle for the remainder of his allotted time.

The public judged his performance to have been at best bewildering, at worst deeply disconcerting. The word “stumbling” appears in many press accounts. A Saturday Night Live sketch depicted an irate Mr. Perot taking his running mate for drive in the country only to shove him out of the car in hopes of improving his own electoral prospects.

There is only one clear advantage to a hypothetical drafting of Admiral Stockdale. As a former POW in Vietnam, the inclusion of Admiral Stockdale could go a long way towards blunting the effect of Mr. McCain’s own war record and POW experience.

Clinton campaign officials have consistently denied that Stockdale is being vetted as a ticket number two and have expressed bafflement at the source of these rumors. A convenient -- but little known -- fact may spare the Clinton camp the full force of affiliation with Admiral Stockdale: he died nearly three years ago.

When reporters called Obama’s attention to the Admiral's demise, the Senator expressed his heartfelt condolences to the Stockdale family but said that this was really a matter to take up with the Clinton campaign. The fact that Admiral Stockdale was dead, he noted, only compounded the illogic of his opponent’s alleged efforts to recruit him to her ticket. “Sure makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Not to mention that I’m pretty sure the man was a registered Republican.”

Despite the use of a ouija board, Admiral Stockdale could not be reached for comment.

Bush Reports Putin's Soul MIA at Latest Summit

Surprising details continue to emerge concerning the recent summit between President Bush and his Russian counterpart, President Vladimir Putin. The weekend summit held two weeks ago in the Black Sea resort town of Sochi is expected to be the last face-to-face meeting of the two leaders while they both hold the title of President. Both are approaching the end of their final terms, but while Putin is almost certain to assume the post of Prime Minister under his hand-groomed successor, Dmitry Medvedev, Mr. Bush is likely in the final chapter of his political career.

Coming Full Circle

The summit in a sense brought the two leaders full circle. Putin was one of the first major international leaders to meet with Bush. Despite strong Russian objections to the Bush administration’s planned missile defense shield, the two leaders appeared to hit it off well in their June 2001 meeting in Slovenia. Before the President’s foreign policy agenda became consumed by the “war on terror” after the attacks of the following September 11, senior administration officials – most notably then-National Security Adviser Condoleeza Rice – had indicated that priority would be given to establishing stable and productive relations with the world’s other major powers – a category in which Russia was included, despite a decade of decay and disorder. The apparently warm relationship between the two men seemed to bode well for this element of US foreign policy.

Few things have gone as one might have expected from the perspective of that June day. The Russian economy is booming, flush with the profits of its huge oil fields, and Russia has re-established a semblance of its Cold War dominance over its neighbors. The United States, in the meantime, has become entangled in a potentially unwinnable war in Iraq and finds its economy in the doldrums. Russian-American relations have at times been quite rocky during the intervening years -- leading some to speak of a new US-Russian cold war -- and remain as plagued by the issue of the proposed missile defense shield as they were at the first Bush-Putin meeting.

Putin's Missing Soul

Another change between then and now is the apparent disappearance of a key participant in the Slovenian summit: Putin’s soul.

Emerging from his first meetings with the Russian President, Bush buoyantly announced, “I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straight forward and trustworthy and we had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul.” (WIKI)

Such was not the case in Sochi. “Either my clairvoyance has weakened over the years, or Pootie-poot is now a little bit challenged in the soul department,” the President remarked at a recent press conference at which he addressed the accomplishments of the Black Sea summit.

The conversation took a detour at this point, as journalists present felt compelled to ask Mr. Bush whether he was seriously claiming clairvoyance and how he could square such claims with his striking failure to notice the gaping holes in his Iraq policy, including the lack of adequate planning for the tasks of post-war occupation and reconstruction.

Bush countered that it was unfair to fault him for a lack of clairvoyance when he was merely “fulfilling the role that God put me on this green earth to do. Faith is blind; I just do what I’m told.”

“If you’ve got a problem with our Iraq policy,” he continued “I suggest that you take it up with the big man upstairs. I just spoke to Him earlier this morning when I needed guidance deciding which socks to wear and we’re on very good terms. I think He’s been very pleased with my performance as His vessel.”

Returning to the subject at hand, Mr. Bush explained what it had been like to meet with a soulless leader of a nation with a large nuclear arsenal. “I tell you it was very scary,” the President said. “Unlike in our first meeting, all I could see in his eyes this time was darkness and hell-fire. Heck, at one point I even tried checking him out with a pair of x-ray glasses that I ordered years ago from the back of [official Boy Scouts of America monthly publication] Boy’s Life. Nothing. Zilch.”

Above: Possibly soulless Russian President Vladimir Putin

Mr. Bush allowed that his glasses might not be capable of soul-detection, having failed to impress in earlier, simpler tests. “Yeah, they never let me see through girls’ clothes either, which is what I originally bought them for. Back then I just figured that my alcoholism was getting in the way. It’s hard enough to see through beer goggles without trying to use x-ray specs at the same time. Try it some time if you don’t believe me. But now I’m thinking that it might be Vladimir’s soul that is defective.”

Bush went on to explain that the apparent absence of the Russian’s soul was not the only sign that things were amiss. “I was staring so intently into Vladimir’s eyes in search of his soul that I had trouble concentrating on what he was saying,” recalled Mr. Bush. “But he sure got my attention when he suddenly started speaking in tongues. Turns out it was just Russian, or so [Secretary of State] Condi [Rice] tells me. I’m skeptical. Sounded pretty satanic to me. And, as my record of office shows, I tend to trust my gut over verifiable facts when making national policy. I stand by that approach; I’m proud of my record.”

A New Axis of Evil?

Asked what this might mean for U.S. foreign policy in the remainder of his term. Bush responded that his new suspicion that Putin might be in league with the devil could require a re-examination and re-definition of the “axis of evil,” a term first introduced in the President’s 2001 State of the Union Address.

“In World War II, we had Germany, Japan, and….the other one….Cuba, maybe? Whatever. In 2001, we had North Korea, Iran, and Iraq. You picking up on the pattern? The question that’s on my mind is, can there be more than three countries in an axis? I put in a call this morning to some of the nation’s top geometricianologists – you know, math geeks – and they’re going to get back to me on that. Of course, I guess that Iraq isn’t really part of the axis any more. So either way there may be an open spot for Russia.”

The President said that he was fully prepared to thrust the country into a new cold war with the Eurasian colossus if necessary. His major concern at the moment, he noted, was that “Vladimir [Putin] might be destined to burn in hell for all eternity.”

“That may be what he deserves for trying to block our missile shield,” the President continued, “but I’ve got a soft spot for him. He’s a hell of a brush-clearer. Say what you will of Vlad, but when he visited me on the ranch in Crawford he could clear brush like nobody’s business. And if there’s a skill I respect in a man, it’s brush-clearing. That’s how I take the measure of a man – by how he clears his brush. That and his ability to smash a beer can on his forehead. Pootie can do that too, by the way. That’s an activity that I have personally gotten away from in recent years but it is one that I continue to admire in others.”

Above: Presidents Bush and Putin in happier times on the Crawford ranch,
en route to some brush-clearing and male-bonding.

“Course it has occurred to me that maybe Vlad traded his soul for his super brush-clearing powers. That would explain a lot. But I’ve got a soft spot for him disirregardless [sic], as I do for all of God’s children who are not part of the Democratic Party or followers of the Islamic faith.”

The President then faced the row of TV cameras present and addressed President Putin directly. “Vladimir, if you’re watching this, I say to you: it is not too late for you to see the light. Come to Bible study with me, accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, drop your objections to our missile shield, and you shall be accepted back into the fold. I know some guys who are really good exorcists, if it comes to that. They can help you get your soul back. And let me know when you might have some free time, cause the back twenty acres on the ranch are looking pretty scruffy. Call me on the red phone. You know the number.”

New Light Shed on Rice's Staying Power

The President denied a subsequent press request to see his x-ray glasses and referred all further questions on U.S.-Russian relations to Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. Rice took the podium only to bring the session to a quick close, promising to take further questions at a later date

The Secretary looked peaked and wan, leading press representatives to suspect that a raucous night out may have left her in no shape to lead an extended question and answer session. Rice’s time at the podium, though brief, was nevertheless sufficient to provide new insight into the Washington mystery of how she has succeeded in remaining so high in White House favor for so long. The circular bruise on the Secretary of State’s forehead suggests that the key may lie in her own beer can crushing talents.

News in Brief: President Mulls Post-White House Future

President Bush spoke briefly with reporters this morning as he exited the White House on his way to Capitol Hill. Mr. Bush said that he had been giving serious consideration to his professional future and impending return to civilian life. He reported that after long thought he was close to ruling out post-presidential careers as a fireman and tugboat captain. No update was provided on the status of previous front-runners cowboy, racing-car driver, and professional baseball player. Mr. Bush's recent comments, however, have indicated an interest in exploring more entrepreneurial callings that draw upon his Harvard Business School training. His remarks this morning were consistent with this trend of thought, as the President reported that he is now leaning heavily towards opening his own sidewalk lemonade stand.

“What I can I say? I like lemonade,” the President said by way of explanation. “Heck, who doesn’t?”

In Delayed Backlash, French Parliament Decides to Continue Calling American Cheese "American Cheese"

More than six years have passed since the United States Congress delivered a stinging gastronomic rebuke to the French nation in response to then-President Jacques Chirac's attempts to block or slow the Bush Administration’s march to war with Iraq. The French government has now belatedly struck back with a culinary broadside of its own.

The retaliatory measure comes in answer to a 2002 House resolution officially altering the names of certain dishes served in the Congressional cafeteria. In a spasm of anti-gallic patriotism, French toast and French fries were rebaptised "Freedom Toast" and "Freedom Fries" (CNN); the wording of the resolution was less clear on the intended fate of “French” salad dressing, a condiment believed to be completely American in origin. On Thursday, the French Parliament delivered a patriotic message of its own when it voted unanimously to continue calling American cheese “American Cheese.”

Famous for its low dairy content and convenient, single-slice packaging, American cheese controls only a miniscule share of the enormous domestic cheese market of France. Industry analysts report that wholesale purchases by local McDonald’s and Burger King franchises, along with those by restaurants belonging to the Swiss-based Quick chain, account for the lion’s share of consumption.

Above: a slice of le fromage américain

Those French citizens aware of its existence at all generally hold American cheese in low regard. Rejection of such a highly processed food product is hardly surprising in a country in which small farmers are venerated and the production of hundreds of varieties of cheese is treated as a high art. Indeed, French folk hero and anti-globalization activist José Bové – perhaps most famous for his attempt to demolish a rural McDonald’s with a bulldozer – is in daily life an artisanal producer of high-quality chevre. (BBC)

Even French President Nicolas Sarkozy, generally favorably disposed towards all things American, is rumored to have a strong distaste for Kraft Singles and their generic equivalents, calling them “franchement dégueulasse” and “de la merde pure.”

Above: Cheese producer and anti-globalization
activist José Bové behind bars.

French officials were quick to clarify that what was at stake in the recent vote was national honor, not the menu of the parliamentary cafeteria. Even legislation that succeeded in altering the name of the item in question would not have an effect on this bill of fare. The exclusive dining room set aside for members of parliament has never served a dish containing the ersatz cheese product and has no intention of doing so at any time in the foreseeable future.

Clinton to Obama: Let’s Finish this Thing

This evening’s Democratic debate ended in unexpected fashion when New York Senator Hillary Clinton challenged rival Barack Obama to settle the competition for their party’s nomination by means of a duel. Though it may permanently deprive the Democratic Party of one or both of its two most popular figures, Clinton’s challenge was welcomed by many party officials eager to bring closure to what has become a drawn-out and increasingly shrill primary contest.

Tonight’s dramatic events appear to be the result of a breakdown in a form of backchannel diplomacy conducted by the Clinton and Obama camps over recent weeks. According to sources familiar with the secret inter-campaign parlays, negotiations reached an impasse earlier in the afternoon after Obama approached Clinton with a proposal to settle the nomination out of the public eye through her choice of thumb-wrestling or a rock-paper-scissors contest. Obama’s offer was rejected and further negotiations suspended, Clinton sources claim, when the Illinois Senator refused to consider a best-of-five format for the proposed contest.

There the matter stood until the close of this evening’s debate. As the two candidates approached one another to exchange a handshake, Senator Clinton suddenly drew back and slapped Senator Obama across the face with a glove apparently carried about on her person all evening in anticipation of this moment.

With Obama massaging his cheek in stunned silence, Hillary delivered her challenge in a manner that brooked no backchat: “I demand satisfaction, sir. And I shall have it tomorrow at dawn, at the foot of the great obelisk known as the Washington monument. We fight…Nay, we duel, cognizant of the risk of death, until first blood. The party’s nomination shall go to the one upon whom fortune and the gods of war smile. Unless thou art a coward, sir, the twain of us shall meet on the morrow 'pon the field of honor.”

A number of Clinton speechwriters, fearing for their professional reputations, contacted the press in the immediate wake of this announcement in order to officially disavow involvement in the preparation of the stilted declaration. A number of them also expressed doubt that the phrase “twain of us” followed the grammatical conventions of old English -- or any other form of the language, for that matter. Several suggested that Senator Clinton’s recent campaign appearance at a central Pennsylvania “renaissance faire” may have provided the inspiration both for the tortured syntax as well as for the duel itself.

In accordance with the centuries-old code duello, the choice of weapons for tomorrow’s contest has been left to the challenged party in the dispute. Though Obama has not yet announced his preference, he is expected to favor the longer épée over the shorter sabre in order to take advantage of his height and wingspan; he is thought likely to reject the knife and pistol options on the same grounds. In political terms, historians noted, this could be the most consequential duel since Alexander Hamilton was killed in an affair of honor with Aaron Burr.

Senator Clinton has already named her husband, former president Bill Clinton, as her second. Caught off guard by Clinton’s challenge, Senator Obama has not yet made public his choice of lieutenant. Washington is abuzz tonight with talk about who might be selected to represent the Illinois Senator’s interests in the remaining preparations for the duel. Though the post is largely ceremonial, a second is expected to observe the contest closely for signs of cheating and may be called upon to enter combat in order to halt behavior judged inconsistent with an elaborate chivalric code.

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson’s office confirmed that the Governor placed a call to Obama shortly after Ms. Clinton’s challenge in order to remove himself from consideration for the office. Richardson, a former member of Congress, Secretary of Energy, Permanent Representative to the UN, and Democratic presidential candidate, recently endorsed Senator Obama’s presidential bid. Although he was a standout baseball player earlier in his life – at one point scouted by the Boston Red Sox organization as a talented prospect – Governor Richardson cited generally poor physical fitness in asking to be excused from involvement in tomorrow's confrontation.

“Governor Richardson takes this opportunity to reiterate his endorsement of Senator Obama,” said a spokesperson for the Governor. “As much as he would like to stand alongside the Senator in this affair of honor,” the spokesperson continued, “he does not believe that he is the man – or woman – best qualified to support the Senator in this phase of his campaign. Nor does the Governor have any wish to die within the next 24 hours.”

Physical fitness and the risk of death may not have been the New Mexican’s only concerns. Some have suggested that Mr. Richardson, who spent most of his childhood in his mother’s native Mexico, was eager to avoid involvement in the duel simply on the basis of an ethnic stereotype – what one former staffer referred to as “that whole Zorro thing.”

Political observers suggest that Obama is hoping to enlist Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, a close friend and political ally with a more athletic build than his New Mexican counterpart. Advisers have also hinted, however, that the Senator may be giving serious consideration to Oprah Winfrey, the daytime TV talk-show host who has been a vocal supporter of his presidential candidacy.

An Obama adviser speaking on condition of anonymity explained the arguments in favor of tapping Ms. Winfrey. “Well, it can never hurt too much to have the most popular woman in America in your corner – particularly with a polarizing figure like Hillary Clinton on the other side. If Barack comes out of this thing alive with Oprah at his side, the soccer moms are going to flock to him.”

Asked whether Oprah might not lack the killer instinct possibly necessary to perform well in a dueling situation, the adviser expressed confidence. “Sure, Oprah might be slow to anger, but she’s dangerous as hell once aroused. Did you see the show where she confronted [A Million Little Pieces author] James Frey [over apparently exaggerated portions of his memoir]? She totally opened a jumbo can of whoop-ass on him!”

The same adviser would neither confirm nor deny another set of rumors that swirled around the capital following the announcement of the duel. According to unsubstantiated accounts, several campaign strategists were attempting to convince Senator Obama to exercise his considerable charisma in an effort to coax Chelsea Clinton into the role of lieutenant in the impending affair of honor.

Such a subversive move, though likely difficult to pull off on such short notice, has the potential to shift the political landscape dramatically in Obama’s favor. If successful, the Chelsea gambit would widen splits within the Clinton clan while at the same time showcasing the Senator’s ability to reach across entrenched lines of division. Though its impact might be somewhat compromised by its connection with a potentially bloody duel, execution of such a move would provide a much-needed concrete demonstration of Obama’s frequently stated commitment to a new unifying brand of politics in place of the old politics of enduring inter-party animosity.

Drafting Chelsea would also carry potentially lethal risks, however. The Obama campaign has made no secret of its view that the Clintons do not fight fair. If Chelsea has inherited a disposition towards unsportsmanlike conduct, the strategic and symbolic value of poaching the former first daughter could easily be outweighed by the danger that the younger Ms. Clinton might make a show of joining the Obama team only to engage in weapons tampering or some other form of treachery on her mother’s behalf.

Obama: "Who's Elitist Now?"

The latest war of words between the Clinton and Obama campaigns, locked in a tight contest for the Democrat Party’s presidential nomination, took another escalatory turn yesterday. In recent weeks, both candidates have been criss-crossing the state of Pennsylvania in an effort to lock up support for next week’s primary. Obama, though leading in the overall delegate count, has found himself on the defensive since comments about Pennsylvania’s economic difficulties were picked up by both the media and the Clinton campaign.

Obama’s recent troubles stem from remarks concerning the economic predicament and social attitudes of blue collar communities in states like Pennsylvania that have suffered a significant loss of industry over the last few decades. Rising unemployment and steady economic decline, Senator Obama suggested at a forum in San Francisco, have produced an atmosphere of “bitterness.” This in turn, he seemed to indicate, explained these communities’ tendency to “cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them.” (NPR)

Senator Hillary Clinton of New York was quick to seize on Obama’s remarks and cited them as evidence of a “divisive,” “condescending,” or “elitist” attitude. The candidate fondly recalled handling guns from an early age during childhood trips to a lake house belonging to her grandfather outside Scranton, Pennsylvania. “You know, some people have continued to teach their children and their grandchildren. It’s part of culture, it’s part of a way of life. People enjoy hunting and shooting because it’s part of who they are. Not because they are bitter.” (ABC)

In a subsequent move, Clinton attempted to further capitalize on the furor by providing additional evidence of her solidarity with average rust-belt Americans. Over the weekend, the candidate stopped off at Bronko’s restaurant in Crown Point, Indiana to have a shot and a beer with bar regulars. (CST)

During a swing through a West Philadelphia neighborhood on Tuesday, Obama sought to go one better and to retake lost ground by making a stop of his own at the Rusty Eagle Tavern.

“Yep,” said Obama, “this is how me and the boys in Chicago like to do. Just like a couple of good old, red blooded Americans without an elitist bone in their bodies. What kind of American has just one shot and a beer? Bartender, set me up with one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer. And get a round for my friend here too. What’s your name again?”

The candidate grew expansive after the drinks had been served. “Yeah, nothing better than dropping in at your regular watering hole after a hard day. I’ve obviously been traveling a lot lately, but I still do it whenever I’m in Chicago and have the chance to catch up with my boys. You know, the usual stuff. Kick back and have a few, reminisce about our days at Harvard Law, maybe recite a little Greek or Latin poetry to one another, discuss the relative virtues of a ’61 Bordeaux versus a ’65 Cotes du Rhone, or talk about the most expensive restaurant that we’ve ever been to in Europe. That one never gets old. Just thinking about some of those five Michelin star places around Lyons is enough to get my mouth watering.”

“We once held an Oxford Union-style debate about whether a bespoke suit made in Hong Kong or London is as good as one from Milan," Obama continued, in what was fast becoming an extended monologue. "That one got pretty heated, let me tell you. But as any average Joe on the street knows, nothing comes close to the craftsmanship of Milan. Don't get me wrong: those Hong Kong guys are no slouches. But Milan is obviously the gold standard when it comes to hand-tailored suits. Even the guys arguing the other side knew this, I’m pretty sure. But we like to have a little fun sometimes. You know, we all need to blow off some steam from time to time. That’s why on Tuesdays we usually mix it up and play a little bar cricket. It’s the British… I mean American way. Who's elitist now, Hillary?”

As to his preferred tipples, the candidate allowed that he could be a little picky. “Gotta be top-shelf stuff. Single malt, hand crafted, definitely. None of that Jim Beam, Jack Daniels mass-produced rotgut. That stuff is poison. You drink anything that costs less that $18 a shot and you’re taking your life into your own hands,” Obama said. "But I suppose that a lot of the inbred hillbillies around here probably wouldn't know the good stuff even if you gave it to them."

Above: the standard chaser of a rust-belt American.

Indicating the drinks lined up in front of him on the bar, he continued, “Don’t even tell me what I’ve got here, or how much it costs. I’m definitely better off not knowing. As for the chaser, I typically go for a Belgian wheat beer. Anything from one of the smaller trappist breweries in Bruges also finishes things off very nicely – particularly one with some strawberry or light chocolate notes.”

Above: from the smallest of the Belgian trappist breweries,
the standard chaser of Senator Barack Obama.

Asked by a fellow bar patron what he thought of the nationwide movement to prohibit smoking in all bars and restaurants, Obama responded that the implementation of the new strictures in Chicago had had a dampening effect on the leisure time pleasures of his social circle, whose members were no longer able to enjoy the occasional Cuban cigar along with their cocktails.

Met with surprised stares, Obama sought to clarify his previous remarks. “Yes, I know they’re illegal. That’s why they’re so damn hard to get. And that’s why, as I have said on several occasions, I am willing to enter into diplomatic discussions with the Cuban regime without preconditions. If we hold the initial talks in Havana, I could easily sneak a few crates of Monte Cristos and some Romeo y Julietas back with me on Air Force One. You know, just enough to fill up the remaining space in my walk-in humidor.”

Despite claims to be a regular drinker, the combination of whiskey, scotch, and beer appeared to have a fairly potent effect on the Senator from Illinois. Witnesses speculated that the candidate's visit to the Rusty Eagle may have eroded his inhibitions beyond what he or his campaign had anticipated or intended. After a trip to the restroom, Obama was heard to refer to the Clintons as "white trash" and later loudly complained about the “abysmally low” thread count of the sheets provided by his hotel.

Hillary Clinton: "O.J. is Innocent!"

Hillary Clinton held a rally in South East Los Angeles yesterday in what many veteran political observers and several sources close to the campaign have labeled a “poorly-conceived,” “counterproductive,” “embarrassing,” and “condescending” effort to stop her steady slide in popularity within the African American community. One Democratic pollster not affiliated with the campaign described the event as “pandering taken to its most offensive extreme.”

That this was not campaign business as usual was clear from the instant that Clinton took to the stage. The candidate left her usual pant-suit in the closet in favor of what aides called a “more urban look,” composed of a baggy black Juicy Couture sweat-suit, gold lame bikini top, and an oversized clock pendant of the kind popularized by Flavor Flav of the rap group Public Enemy. Clinton also broke with her customary speaking style. Rather than address the crowd from the lectern or walk calmly among the audience, she strutted – and, at one point, made what appeared to have been an attempt at moonwalking – across the stage. It was a display that aides said had required many hours of practice and repeated viewing of hip hop videos between campaign stops.

Above: Rap icon and Clinton fashion hero Flavor Flav

“She may not have been super smooth out there,” a Clinton assistant admitted, “but you should have seen her when we started. Anyone who doubts her work ethic does not know Hillary Clinton. She’s come a long, long, long, long way. Believe me. Keep in mind that this is the same woman who just a few months ago allowed the public to pick a Celine Dion song as her campaign theme." (BBC)

Indeed, in the early stages of this campaign, it appeared that Clinton would be able to automatically count on the African American community for the same strong degree of support that was a mainstay of her husband’s back-to-back presidential victories in 1992 and 1996. Recent months, however, have seen a decided shift of opinion in favor of Barack Obama, Clinton’s only remaining Democratic rival and the son of a man born in Kenya. With race an increasingly prominent issue in the contest and with the Clinton campaign accused by some of making racially-tinged remarks, Ms. Clinton’s support among African Americans has continued to fall precipitously at the same time that her overall standing in the race has changed from front-runner to underdog.

While the style of her delivery may have changed, much of the substance of the candidate’s remarks was familiar. Ms. Clinton largely stuck to her standard stump speech but also made several rhetorical detours in what seemed to be an awkward endeavor to connect with her predominantly black audience.

“I get the African American community,” Ms. Clinton noted at an early point in her remarks. "Toni Morrison called my man Bill the first black president of this country. So I am a part of this community, if only by marriage. Word to your mother. Did I use that phrase correctly?”

When she reached the portion of her campaign speech in which she criticizes George Bush’s “War on Terror” and its effects on civil liberties, Ms. Clinton’s address took what may have been its weirdest turn.

“The holding of prisoners at Guantanamo without trial raises fundamental questions of justice. And that is something that this of all American communities should understand,” Senator Clinton said. “You remember what they did to O.J. as well as I do. He was clearly innocent. He did not kill his wife. Never. Not in a million years. George Bush is the world’s [counterpart to L.A.P.D. detective] Mark Fuhrman! You think that stunt with the glove was bad, just look at what George Bush did with that trumped up intelligence on Iraqi WMD! And, by the way, if elected President, I pledge to do all I can to help O.J. track down Nicole’s true killer.”

Many in the audience were too young to personally recall the O.J. Simpson episode and the racial tensions that it stirred up. Even those familiar with the incident -- in which retired professional football player O.J. Simpson was arrested, tried for, and found innocent of the 1998 murder of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her lover Ronald Goldman -- tended to find the thread of Senator Clinton's thoughts difficult to follow.

The Simpson trial was a major event in Los Angeles. Mr. Simpson’s celebrity attracted extensive media coverage from the very start, and the trial became the subject of a true media feeding frenzy after allegations of evidence tampering by the LAPD surfaced and gained credibility. The trial also became a source of rising racial tension. Opinion polls showed that while African Americans tended to agree with Mr. Simpson’s eventual acquittal by wide margins and to see him as the victim of a racist and corrupt police department, white Americans tended to believe equally strongly in Mr. Simpson’s guilt. Long after the trial’s conclusion, questions concerning Mr. Simpson’s guilt or innocence and the justice or injustice of his trial remain racially divisive and therefore largely taboo. At the center of much of the controversy lies a pair of gloves linked to the murders by DNA evidence. The prosecution case depended heavily on claims that the gloves had been found in Mr. Simpson’s possession while the defense alleged that they had been planted on the football player’s property by a racist police detective determined to frame Simpson for the murder of his wife.

Above: Simpson defense attorney Johnnie Cochran with the notorious gloves.

Ms. Clinton returned to the subject of the prisoners held in Guantanamo by a somewhat circuitous route. “As my good friend [and Simpson defense lawyer] Johnnie Cochran once said, 'If the glove does not fit, you must acquit.' Well, I say that the same thing goes for those held for years without trial in Cuba: if the prayer cap [of Islamic fundamentalism] does not fit, you must acquit. If the beard gets shaved, they must be saved. If they don’t care for camp X-Ray, they must not be made there to stay.”

By this point in her remarks, Senator Clinton had already provided ample evidence of a strong taste for self-debasement. Rather than risk leaving the stage with some of her dignity intact, she offered one more embarrassing couplet to a crowd apparently stunned into silence by the bizarreness of her rhetoric: “If they weren’t involved in attacking this country in a fit of Islamic rage, why must we keep them in that cage?”

Nearing the end of her speech, Ms. Clinton stated her intention to remain in the Democratic primary contest until its conclusion. She had just dropped rapper Chuck D’s name in connection with the classic track “Don’t call it a comeback,” when Secret Service agents hustled her off the stage and onto a waiting campaign bus. Security officials later explained that these protective measures had been prompted by the eruption of a melee in front of the stage. Sources indicate that the disorder may have been triggered by Senator Clinton’s inadvertent use of what many in the crowd took to be a hand-signal denoting membership in the L.A. Crips street gang.

Bill Clinton Confuses Movie Metaphors, Compares Wife to Forrest Gump

Former President Bill Clinton was once again center stage on Tuesday after deviating from his wife’s campaign talking points. In so doing, he provided the latest indication of disorganization within the Hillary Clinton camp.

This is not the first time in this long electoral season that Mr. Clinton has created complications for his wife with apparently off-the-cuff comments at odds with the candidate’s message. Previous controversial comments on race, opponent Senator Barack Obama, and a pending free trade agreement with Colombia (CNN) had already raised difficult questions for Senator Clinton’s advisors about how best to employ Mr. Clinton, a formidable campaigner in his own runs for the White House, in support of his wife’s efforts to win the Presidency. Tuesday’s incident appears to have renewed doubts about whether he should be allowed to appear in public at all.

The latest misstep comes at a particularly sensitive time for Ms. Clinton’s campaign. Her strong performance in the early primaries was followed by a surge of support for her Democratic opponent Barack Obama, who now commands a significant lead in the delegate count. The major battleground state on the immediate horizon is Pennsylvania, with many speculating that an Obama victory here would effectively sew up the nomination for the Illinois Senator.

Pennsylvania’s demographic characteristics closely mirror those of Ohio, where Ms. Clinton scored an earlier primary victory. But even at this critical stage of the campaign, the Clinton camp has sometimes struggled to find its footing. Recent weeks have seen indications of rising tensions within the campaign, culminating in the resignation of Ms. Clinton’s chief strategist.

As she attempts to regroup and refocus, Ms. Clinton has emphasized her resilience and embraced the role of underdog. At several campaign events across Pennsylvania, the candidate has invoked the story of a local legend in an effort to underscore her prospects for a come-from-behind victory and her determination to remain in the race until the bitter end. The hero: the fictional Philadelphia boxer Rocky Balboa, played in a series of movies by Sylvester Stallone. Recalling the movie boxer’s grueling training regimen, which included running up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art, Ms. Clinton argued that for her to quit her campaign now would be as if "Rocky Balboa had gotten halfway up those art museum steps and said, 'Well, I guess that's about far enough.'" Like the movie character, Senator Clinton claimed, "I never quit. I never give up." (IHT)

Above: Senator Clinton's preferred Hollywood figure of reference for her faltering presidential campaign: come-from-behind boxing champ Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone)

Mr. Clinton’s recent statements indicate an awareness of his wife’s efforts to link herself to the central character of a popular movie and even demonstrate an awareness of the underdog theme of this approach. But a crucial piece of information -- the identity of the movie character in question – seems to have escaped the former president and his handlers, putting him back in the center of controversy and potentially muddying the message of Ms. Clinton’s campaign.

Mr. Clinton’s remarks at a Philadelphia community center on Tuesday started strongly and seemingly on message. “She’s a real fighter, my wife. And quick as a whip, too. Boy, I tell you! Those in the media that want to count her out are going to have a lot of egg on their faces when this whole thing is over.”

It soon became clear, however, that Mr. Clinton and his wife’s campaign were not reading from the same page, or sitting in the same movie theater. “Just as Hillary said last week, she’s like something straight out of the movies. She’s unstoppable. Try to bring her down and she just keeps on running. She’s a real-life Forrest Gump,” Clinton said, referring to the (more) idiot (than)-savant played by Tom Hanks in the movie of the same name.

Above: Mr. Clinton's preferred Hollywood figure of reference for his wife's faltering presidential campaign: idiot-savant Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks)

Once he had warmed to this theme, Mr. Clinton proved nearly as unstoppable as his wife. When asked whether his opinion of Barack Obama had evolved over the course of the race, the former president remained mercilessly on message – his message. “Sure, this Obama guy might be smart and well-spoken. But you should see Hillary play ping-pong. And I would warn you not to underestimate the value of that skill in an age where China is on the rise. If the Chinese are up for another round of ping-pong diplomacy during a Hillary presidency, they better bring their A-game. When the Chinese call at 3 a.m. looking for a ping-pong opponent to defend our national honor, who do you want to be sitting by that phone?”

Mr. Clinton showed signs of peevishness in responding to a question about Senator Clinton’s intentions to stay in the race even in the event that she loses the Pennsylvania primary. “Whatever the polls say is just a bunch of hooey. This thing isn’t over, not by a longshot. I know Hillary and I know that she can go the distance. She’s not a quitter like that Lieutenant Dan,” Mr. Clinton said, alluding to the “Forrest Gump” character portrayed by Gary Sinise. “It’s going to take a lot more than losing both legs to a land mine and developing a serious drinking problem to stop her. You remember the scene where Forrest is being chased by those boys in their pickup truck? Or later when he’s on the football field? Well, that’s Hillary. Anybody who wants to call this election over is going to have to hold up a huge sign that says ‘Stop, Hillary, Stop!’ And even then she might not get the message.”

Offered an opportunity by reporters to reconcile the competing movie metaphors, Mr. Clinton instead chose to keep the focus on himself and to explain in somewhat incoherent fashion how he perceives his contributions to his wife’s campaign. “I see myself in a supportive, Jenny kind of role. Though come to think of it, I wouldn’t mind having a little roll with Jenny myself, if you know what I mean. I dig those hippy chicks. On the other hand, I would like to remind you that some of you people in the press used to enjoy calling me Bubba. Coincidence? I don’t think so. And I love shrimp, incidentally.”

Repeated attempts to reach Hillary Clinton campaign headquarters for comment were met with stony silence.

Guns Removed from Charlton Heston’s Cold, Dead Hands, House

Agents from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (ATF) raided the Coldwater Canyon home of recently deceased actor and gun-rights advocate Charlton Heston, seizing what was described by officials as “a personal arsenal larger than that of the Canadian armed forces.”

Just after 9 am Monday morning, an ATF armored vehicle crashed through the gates of the Hestons' security fence, discharging a SWAT team that quickly encircled the residence. With the perimeter secured and all exits covered, the squad leader and several men took a battering ram to the front door, setting off the actor’s burglar alarm and summoning a squad car of confused LAPD personnel.

Neighbors and witnesses reported that they later saw ATF agents make a number of trips between Heston’s house and their vehicles, some of them transporting what appeared to be a bewildering array of armaments.

At a press conference Monday afternoon, ATF personnel displayed a cache of weapons taken from the actor’s home. On show to the press were crates of ammunition and land mines, a World War II-era bazooka, and several dozen shotguns, handguns, assault rifles, grenade launchers, and mortars. Officials noted the discovery of an M-1 Abrams tank, Apache attack helicopter, Bradley fighting vehicle, and a medium-sized howitzer in Heston’s garage. Documents taken during the raid were also said to indicate that Mr. Heston was in the latter stages of negotiating the purchase of a recently decommissioned French aircraft carrier. In concluding remarks, an ATF spokesperson displayed photographs of a shoulder-fired Stinger missile launcher also taken from the Heston residence. The official suggested that the Stinger may have come from a number of such weapons shipped to the Afghan mujahideen in the 1980’s for use against the Soviet Union. How such a piece of military hardware found its way into Mr. Heston’s possession remains unclear and is the subject of an ongoing investigation, officials said.

Heston, whose film career included starring roles in "Ben Hur," "The Ten Commandments," and "The Planet of the Apes," had in recent years been far more visible as an activist than as an actor. He was especially outspoken on issues relating to the Second Amendment, fiercely criticizing gun control efforts and serving as the president of the National Rifle Association (NRA) for an unprecedented four terms, from 1998 to 2002. He cemented his role as the country's leading champion of the right to bear arms in a memorable speech at the NRA's anual convention in 2000. Raising a flintlock rifle, also seized in Monday's raid, above his head, he proclaimed that the government would succeed in disarming him only if it was prepared to take his weapons "From [his] cold, dead hands." (NYT)

The actor died on April 6th of complications from Alzheimer’s, at home and armed to the teeth. An ATF visit to his home prior to Monday’s raid and shortly after his death revealed that the actor departed this world with two ankle holsters containing matching snub-nosed .38 revolvers, a shoulder holster holding a .45 automatic, a derringer in his pocket, and an Uzi clutched in his right hand. When asked about the purpose of this visit, officials emphasized the importance of disarming the Oscar winner before the effects of rigor mortis had fully set in.

“I own a gun and a DVD of ‘Ben Hur,’” said an ATF agent who participated in Monday’s raid. “But come on, this is ridiculous.”