Obama: "Who's Elitist Now?"

The latest war of words between the Clinton and Obama campaigns, locked in a tight contest for the Democrat Party’s presidential nomination, took another escalatory turn yesterday. In recent weeks, both candidates have been criss-crossing the state of Pennsylvania in an effort to lock up support for next week’s primary. Obama, though leading in the overall delegate count, has found himself on the defensive since comments about Pennsylvania’s economic difficulties were picked up by both the media and the Clinton campaign.

Obama’s recent troubles stem from remarks concerning the economic predicament and social attitudes of blue collar communities in states like Pennsylvania that have suffered a significant loss of industry over the last few decades. Rising unemployment and steady economic decline, Senator Obama suggested at a forum in San Francisco, have produced an atmosphere of “bitterness.” This in turn, he seemed to indicate, explained these communities’ tendency to “cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them.” (NPR)

Senator Hillary Clinton of New York was quick to seize on Obama’s remarks and cited them as evidence of a “divisive,” “condescending,” or “elitist” attitude. The candidate fondly recalled handling guns from an early age during childhood trips to a lake house belonging to her grandfather outside Scranton, Pennsylvania. “You know, some people have continued to teach their children and their grandchildren. It’s part of culture, it’s part of a way of life. People enjoy hunting and shooting because it’s part of who they are. Not because they are bitter.” (ABC)

In a subsequent move, Clinton attempted to further capitalize on the furor by providing additional evidence of her solidarity with average rust-belt Americans. Over the weekend, the candidate stopped off at Bronko’s restaurant in Crown Point, Indiana to have a shot and a beer with bar regulars. (CST)

During a swing through a West Philadelphia neighborhood on Tuesday, Obama sought to go one better and to retake lost ground by making a stop of his own at the Rusty Eagle Tavern.

“Yep,” said Obama, “this is how me and the boys in Chicago like to do. Just like a couple of good old, red blooded Americans without an elitist bone in their bodies. What kind of American has just one shot and a beer? Bartender, set me up with one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer. And get a round for my friend here too. What’s your name again?”

The candidate grew expansive after the drinks had been served. “Yeah, nothing better than dropping in at your regular watering hole after a hard day. I’ve obviously been traveling a lot lately, but I still do it whenever I’m in Chicago and have the chance to catch up with my boys. You know, the usual stuff. Kick back and have a few, reminisce about our days at Harvard Law, maybe recite a little Greek or Latin poetry to one another, discuss the relative virtues of a ’61 Bordeaux versus a ’65 Cotes du Rhone, or talk about the most expensive restaurant that we’ve ever been to in Europe. That one never gets old. Just thinking about some of those five Michelin star places around Lyons is enough to get my mouth watering.”

“We once held an Oxford Union-style debate about whether a bespoke suit made in Hong Kong or London is as good as one from Milan," Obama continued, in what was fast becoming an extended monologue. "That one got pretty heated, let me tell you. But as any average Joe on the street knows, nothing comes close to the craftsmanship of Milan. Don't get me wrong: those Hong Kong guys are no slouches. But Milan is obviously the gold standard when it comes to hand-tailored suits. Even the guys arguing the other side knew this, I’m pretty sure. But we like to have a little fun sometimes. You know, we all need to blow off some steam from time to time. That’s why on Tuesdays we usually mix it up and play a little bar cricket. It’s the British… I mean American way. Who's elitist now, Hillary?”

As to his preferred tipples, the candidate allowed that he could be a little picky. “Gotta be top-shelf stuff. Single malt, hand crafted, definitely. None of that Jim Beam, Jack Daniels mass-produced rotgut. That stuff is poison. You drink anything that costs less that $18 a shot and you’re taking your life into your own hands,” Obama said. "But I suppose that a lot of the inbred hillbillies around here probably wouldn't know the good stuff even if you gave it to them."

Above: the standard chaser of a rust-belt American.

Indicating the drinks lined up in front of him on the bar, he continued, “Don’t even tell me what I’ve got here, or how much it costs. I’m definitely better off not knowing. As for the chaser, I typically go for a Belgian wheat beer. Anything from one of the smaller trappist breweries in Bruges also finishes things off very nicely – particularly one with some strawberry or light chocolate notes.”

Above: from the smallest of the Belgian trappist breweries,
the standard chaser of Senator Barack Obama.

Asked by a fellow bar patron what he thought of the nationwide movement to prohibit smoking in all bars and restaurants, Obama responded that the implementation of the new strictures in Chicago had had a dampening effect on the leisure time pleasures of his social circle, whose members were no longer able to enjoy the occasional Cuban cigar along with their cocktails.

Met with surprised stares, Obama sought to clarify his previous remarks. “Yes, I know they’re illegal. That’s why they’re so damn hard to get. And that’s why, as I have said on several occasions, I am willing to enter into diplomatic discussions with the Cuban regime without preconditions. If we hold the initial talks in Havana, I could easily sneak a few crates of Monte Cristos and some Romeo y Julietas back with me on Air Force One. You know, just enough to fill up the remaining space in my walk-in humidor.”

Despite claims to be a regular drinker, the combination of whiskey, scotch, and beer appeared to have a fairly potent effect on the Senator from Illinois. Witnesses speculated that the candidate's visit to the Rusty Eagle may have eroded his inhibitions beyond what he or his campaign had anticipated or intended. After a trip to the restroom, Obama was heard to refer to the Clintons as "white trash" and later loudly complained about the “abysmally low” thread count of the sheets provided by his hotel.