Bush Reports Putin's Soul MIA at Latest Summit

Surprising details continue to emerge concerning the recent summit between President Bush and his Russian counterpart, President Vladimir Putin. The weekend summit held two weeks ago in the Black Sea resort town of Sochi is expected to be the last face-to-face meeting of the two leaders while they both hold the title of President. Both are approaching the end of their final terms, but while Putin is almost certain to assume the post of Prime Minister under his hand-groomed successor, Dmitry Medvedev, Mr. Bush is likely in the final chapter of his political career.

Coming Full Circle

The summit in a sense brought the two leaders full circle. Putin was one of the first major international leaders to meet with Bush. Despite strong Russian objections to the Bush administration’s planned missile defense shield, the two leaders appeared to hit it off well in their June 2001 meeting in Slovenia. Before the President’s foreign policy agenda became consumed by the “war on terror” after the attacks of the following September 11, senior administration officials – most notably then-National Security Adviser Condoleeza Rice – had indicated that priority would be given to establishing stable and productive relations with the world’s other major powers – a category in which Russia was included, despite a decade of decay and disorder. The apparently warm relationship between the two men seemed to bode well for this element of US foreign policy.

Few things have gone as one might have expected from the perspective of that June day. The Russian economy is booming, flush with the profits of its huge oil fields, and Russia has re-established a semblance of its Cold War dominance over its neighbors. The United States, in the meantime, has become entangled in a potentially unwinnable war in Iraq and finds its economy in the doldrums. Russian-American relations have at times been quite rocky during the intervening years -- leading some to speak of a new US-Russian cold war -- and remain as plagued by the issue of the proposed missile defense shield as they were at the first Bush-Putin meeting.

Putin's Missing Soul

Another change between then and now is the apparent disappearance of a key participant in the Slovenian summit: Putin’s soul.

Emerging from his first meetings with the Russian President, Bush buoyantly announced, “I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straight forward and trustworthy and we had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul.” (WIKI)

Such was not the case in Sochi. “Either my clairvoyance has weakened over the years, or Pootie-poot is now a little bit challenged in the soul department,” the President remarked at a recent press conference at which he addressed the accomplishments of the Black Sea summit.

The conversation took a detour at this point, as journalists present felt compelled to ask Mr. Bush whether he was seriously claiming clairvoyance and how he could square such claims with his striking failure to notice the gaping holes in his Iraq policy, including the lack of adequate planning for the tasks of post-war occupation and reconstruction.

Bush countered that it was unfair to fault him for a lack of clairvoyance when he was merely “fulfilling the role that God put me on this green earth to do. Faith is blind; I just do what I’m told.”

“If you’ve got a problem with our Iraq policy,” he continued “I suggest that you take it up with the big man upstairs. I just spoke to Him earlier this morning when I needed guidance deciding which socks to wear and we’re on very good terms. I think He’s been very pleased with my performance as His vessel.”

Returning to the subject at hand, Mr. Bush explained what it had been like to meet with a soulless leader of a nation with a large nuclear arsenal. “I tell you it was very scary,” the President said. “Unlike in our first meeting, all I could see in his eyes this time was darkness and hell-fire. Heck, at one point I even tried checking him out with a pair of x-ray glasses that I ordered years ago from the back of [official Boy Scouts of America monthly publication] Boy’s Life. Nothing. Zilch.”

Above: Possibly soulless Russian President Vladimir Putin

Mr. Bush allowed that his glasses might not be capable of soul-detection, having failed to impress in earlier, simpler tests. “Yeah, they never let me see through girls’ clothes either, which is what I originally bought them for. Back then I just figured that my alcoholism was getting in the way. It’s hard enough to see through beer goggles without trying to use x-ray specs at the same time. Try it some time if you don’t believe me. But now I’m thinking that it might be Vladimir’s soul that is defective.”

Bush went on to explain that the apparent absence of the Russian’s soul was not the only sign that things were amiss. “I was staring so intently into Vladimir’s eyes in search of his soul that I had trouble concentrating on what he was saying,” recalled Mr. Bush. “But he sure got my attention when he suddenly started speaking in tongues. Turns out it was just Russian, or so [Secretary of State] Condi [Rice] tells me. I’m skeptical. Sounded pretty satanic to me. And, as my record of office shows, I tend to trust my gut over verifiable facts when making national policy. I stand by that approach; I’m proud of my record.”

A New Axis of Evil?

Asked what this might mean for U.S. foreign policy in the remainder of his term. Bush responded that his new suspicion that Putin might be in league with the devil could require a re-examination and re-definition of the “axis of evil,” a term first introduced in the President’s 2001 State of the Union Address.

“In World War II, we had Germany, Japan, and….the other one….Cuba, maybe? Whatever. In 2001, we had North Korea, Iran, and Iraq. You picking up on the pattern? The question that’s on my mind is, can there be more than three countries in an axis? I put in a call this morning to some of the nation’s top geometricianologists – you know, math geeks – and they’re going to get back to me on that. Of course, I guess that Iraq isn’t really part of the axis any more. So either way there may be an open spot for Russia.”

The President said that he was fully prepared to thrust the country into a new cold war with the Eurasian colossus if necessary. His major concern at the moment, he noted, was that “Vladimir [Putin] might be destined to burn in hell for all eternity.”

“That may be what he deserves for trying to block our missile shield,” the President continued, “but I’ve got a soft spot for him. He’s a hell of a brush-clearer. Say what you will of Vlad, but when he visited me on the ranch in Crawford he could clear brush like nobody’s business. And if there’s a skill I respect in a man, it’s brush-clearing. That’s how I take the measure of a man – by how he clears his brush. That and his ability to smash a beer can on his forehead. Pootie can do that too, by the way. That’s an activity that I have personally gotten away from in recent years but it is one that I continue to admire in others.”

Above: Presidents Bush and Putin in happier times on the Crawford ranch,
en route to some brush-clearing and male-bonding.

“Course it has occurred to me that maybe Vlad traded his soul for his super brush-clearing powers. That would explain a lot. But I’ve got a soft spot for him disirregardless [sic], as I do for all of God’s children who are not part of the Democratic Party or followers of the Islamic faith.”

The President then faced the row of TV cameras present and addressed President Putin directly. “Vladimir, if you’re watching this, I say to you: it is not too late for you to see the light. Come to Bible study with me, accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, drop your objections to our missile shield, and you shall be accepted back into the fold. I know some guys who are really good exorcists, if it comes to that. They can help you get your soul back. And let me know when you might have some free time, cause the back twenty acres on the ranch are looking pretty scruffy. Call me on the red phone. You know the number.”

New Light Shed on Rice's Staying Power

The President denied a subsequent press request to see his x-ray glasses and referred all further questions on U.S.-Russian relations to Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. Rice took the podium only to bring the session to a quick close, promising to take further questions at a later date

The Secretary looked peaked and wan, leading press representatives to suspect that a raucous night out may have left her in no shape to lead an extended question and answer session. Rice’s time at the podium, though brief, was nevertheless sufficient to provide new insight into the Washington mystery of how she has succeeded in remaining so high in White House favor for so long. The circular bruise on the Secretary of State’s forehead suggests that the key may lie in her own beer can crushing talents.