This evening’s Democratic debate ended in unexpected fashion when New York Senator Hillary Clinton challenged rival Barack Obama to settle the competition for their party’s nomination by means of a duel. Though it may permanently deprive the Democratic Party of one or both of its two most popular figures, Clinton’s challenge was welcomed by many party officials eager to bring closure to what has become a drawn-out and increasingly shrill primary contest.
Tonight’s dramatic events appear to be the result of a breakdown in a form of backchannel diplomacy conducted by the Clinton and Obama camps over recent weeks. According to sources familiar with the secret inter-campaign parlays, negotiations reached an impasse earlier in the afternoon after Obama approached Clinton with a proposal to settle the nomination out of the public eye through her choice of thumb-wrestling or a rock-paper-scissors contest. Obama’s offer was rejected and further negotiations suspended, Clinton sources claim, when the Illinois Senator refused to consider a best-of-five format for the proposed contest.
There the matter stood until the close of this evening’s debate. As the two candidates approached one another to exchange a handshake, Senator Clinton suddenly drew back and slapped Senator Obama across the face with a glove apparently carried about on her person all evening in anticipation of this moment.
With Obama massaging his cheek in stunned silence, Hillary delivered her challenge in a manner that brooked no backchat: “I demand satisfaction, sir. And I shall have it tomorrow at dawn, at the foot of the great obelisk known as the Washington monument. We fight…Nay, we duel, cognizant of the risk of death, until first blood. The party’s nomination shall go to the one upon whom fortune and the gods of war smile. Unless thou art a coward, sir, the twain of us shall meet on the morrow 'pon the field of honor.”
A number of Clinton speechwriters, fearing for their professional reputations, contacted the press in the immediate wake of this announcement in order to officially disavow involvement in the preparation of the stilted declaration. A number of them also expressed doubt that the phrase “twain of us” followed the grammatical conventions of old English -- or any other form of the language, for that matter. Several suggested that Senator Clinton’s recent campaign appearance at a central Pennsylvania “renaissance faire” may have provided the inspiration both for the tortured syntax as well as for the duel itself.
In accordance with the centuries-old code duello, the choice of weapons for tomorrow’s contest has been left to the challenged party in the dispute. Though Obama has not yet announced his preference, he is expected to favor the longer épée over the shorter sabre in order to take advantage of his height and wingspan; he is thought likely to reject the knife and pistol options on the same grounds. In political terms, historians noted, this could be the most consequential duel since Alexander Hamilton was killed in an affair of honor with Aaron Burr.
Senator Clinton has already named her husband, former president Bill Clinton, as her second. Caught off guard by Clinton’s challenge, Senator Obama has not yet made public his choice of lieutenant. Washington is abuzz tonight with talk about who might be selected to represent the Illinois Senator’s interests in the remaining preparations for the duel. Though the post is largely ceremonial, a second is expected to observe the contest closely for signs of cheating and may be called upon to enter combat in order to halt behavior judged inconsistent with an elaborate chivalric code.
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson’s office confirmed that the Governor placed a call to Obama shortly after Ms. Clinton’s challenge in order to remove himself from consideration for the office. Richardson, a former member of Congress, Secretary of Energy, Permanent Representative to the UN, and Democratic presidential candidate, recently endorsed Senator Obama’s presidential bid. Although he was a standout baseball player earlier in his life – at one point scouted by the Boston Red Sox organization as a talented prospect – Governor Richardson cited generally poor physical fitness in asking to be excused from involvement in tomorrow's confrontation.
“Governor Richardson takes this opportunity to reiterate his endorsement of Senator Obama,” said a spokesperson for the Governor. “As much as he would like to stand alongside the Senator in this affair of honor,” the spokesperson continued, “he does not believe that he is the man – or woman – best qualified to support the Senator in this phase of his campaign. Nor does the Governor have any wish to die within the next 24 hours.”
Physical fitness and the risk of death may not have been the New Mexican’s only concerns. Some have suggested that Mr. Richardson, who spent most of his childhood in his mother’s native Mexico, was eager to avoid involvement in the duel simply on the basis of an ethnic stereotype – what one former staffer referred to as “that whole Zorro thing.”
Political observers suggest that Obama is hoping to enlist Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, a close friend and political ally with a more athletic build than his New Mexican counterpart. Advisers have also hinted, however, that the Senator may be giving serious consideration to Oprah Winfrey, the daytime TV talk-show host who has been a vocal supporter of his presidential candidacy.
An Obama adviser speaking on condition of anonymity explained the arguments in favor of tapping Ms. Winfrey. “Well, it can never hurt too much to have the most popular woman in America in your corner – particularly with a polarizing figure like Hillary Clinton on the other side. If Barack comes out of this thing alive with Oprah at his side, the soccer moms are going to flock to him.”
Asked whether Oprah might not lack the killer instinct possibly necessary to perform well in a dueling situation, the adviser expressed confidence. “Sure, Oprah might be slow to anger, but she’s dangerous as hell once aroused. Did you see the show where she confronted [A Million Little Pieces author] James Frey [over apparently exaggerated portions of his memoir]? She totally opened a jumbo can of whoop-ass on him!”
The same adviser would neither confirm nor deny another set of rumors that swirled around the capital following the announcement of the duel. According to unsubstantiated accounts, several campaign strategists were attempting to convince Senator Obama to exercise his considerable charisma in an effort to coax Chelsea Clinton into the role of lieutenant in the impending affair of honor.
Such a subversive move, though likely difficult to pull off on such short notice, has the potential to shift the political landscape dramatically in Obama’s favor. If successful, the Chelsea gambit would widen splits within the Clinton clan while at the same time showcasing the Senator’s ability to reach across entrenched lines of division. Though its impact might be somewhat compromised by its connection with a potentially bloody duel, execution of such a move would provide a much-needed concrete demonstration of Obama’s frequently stated commitment to a new unifying brand of politics in place of the old politics of enduring inter-party animosity.
Drafting Chelsea would also carry potentially lethal risks, however. The Obama campaign has made no secret of its view that the Clintons do not fight fair. If Chelsea has inherited a disposition towards unsportsmanlike conduct, the strategic and symbolic value of poaching the former first daughter could easily be outweighed by the danger that the younger Ms. Clinton might make a show of joining the Obama team only to engage in weapons tampering or some other form of treachery on her mother’s behalf.
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